Self-Love is True Self-Care
"Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel."
— Eleanor Brown
The Guilt That Comes with Resting
It's 9 PM on a Tuesday. You've been running since 6 AM—work, emails, dinner, dishes, helping everyone else with their needs. You finally sit down, and for the first time all day, you think about doing something just for you. Maybe reading that book. Maybe taking a bath. Maybe just... sitting.
And then it hits—that familiar tightness in your chest. The voice that whispers:You should be doing something productive. There's still so much to do. Other people have it worse. Who do you think you are, taking time for yourself?
So you get back up. You find another task. You push through the exhaustion. And the cycle continues.
I know this guilt intimately. For years, I believed that self-care was something I'd get toeventually—after I finished the project, after everyone else was taken care of, after I proved I deserved it. I thought self-care meant scheduling an occasional spa day, a reward for surviving another brutal stretch of self-neglect.
But here's what I've learned through my own healing journey and working with hundreds of clients:Self-care isn't a reward for depletion—it's the foundation that prevents it.And the real barrier isn't time or money or circumstances. It's the deeply embedded belief that taking care of yourself is somehow selfish, indulgent, or undeserved.
What Self-Care Actually Means (And Why We Get It Wrong)
We've been sold a sanitized, commercialized version of self-care—one that fits neatly into Instagram posts and weekend retreats. Face masks and bubble baths. Manicures and meditation apps. These things can be lovely, but they're not the essence of self-care.
Real self-care is much rawer and more radical than that.
Self-Care as Survival
Dr. Audre Lorde, the poet and civil rights activist, wrote: "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." She understood something profound: in systems that profit from our depletion, taking care of yourself is revolutionary.
Self-care isn't selfish—it's recognizing that you cannot pour from an empty cup. That your worthiness isn't contingent on how much you produce or how many people you help. That you matter, not because of what you do, but because you exist.
The Deeper Work
True self-care goes beyond surface-level practices. It means:
Recognizing and healing the wounds we carry
Those internalized messages about your worth. The childhood experiences that taught you your needs don't matter. The trauma your body has been holding for years or decades.
Setting boundaries that protect your energy
Learning to say no without guilt. Choosing rest over performance. Disappointing others rather than abandoning yourself.
Investing in your healing
Whether that's therapy, somatic work, or trauma release—prioritizing the deeper work that actually transforms your relationship with yourself.
Honoring your inner child's unmet needs
The parts of you that needed safety, validation, play, and tenderness but didn't receive them. Self-care means becoming the adult who can finally provide those things.
Research from the University of Exeter found that individuals who practice authentic self-care (addressing emotional and physical needs) show 51% lower rates of burnout and 43% higher life satisfaction compared to those who engage only in surface-level "treats."
The Helper Type Trap
Maybe you recognize yourself here: You're the one everyone calls when they need something. The reliable one. The giver. The person who shows up for everyone else without hesitation.
Being helpful feels good—until it doesn't. Until you realize you've built an entire identity around meeting others' needs while systematically ignoring your own.
The Origins of Over-Giving
This "helper type" pattern often develops early. Maybe you grew up in a family where:
Love felt conditional: You learned that being helpful, good, or useful made you worthy of attention and affection
Someone else's needs dominated: A parent's illness, addiction, or emotional volatility meant your needs took a backseat
You felt responsible for others' emotions: You became the family peacemaker, emotional regulator, or caretaker
Psychologists call this "parentification"—when a child takes on adult responsibilities, including emotional caretaking. Dr. Gabor Maté explains: "When a child's emotional needs aren't met, they often cope by becoming the one who meets others' needs, hoping that if they're helpful enough, they'll finally receive the care they've been seeking."
The pattern becomes deeply wired: Give to receive. Help to be valued. Sacrifice to be loved.
The Cost of Chronic Self-Abandonment
Living as the perpetual helper extracts a profound toll:
Physical depletion: Your nervous system stays in sympathetic activation, constantly mobilized to meet others' needs. This leads to adrenal fatigue, compromised immunity, digestive issues, and chronic exhaustion.
Emotional emptiness: You may feel numb, resentful, or disconnected from your own desires. Many chronic helpers describe feeling like they don't even know who they are apart from what they do for others.
Relationship imbalances: You attract takers because you've trained people to see you as the giver. Reciprocal, balanced relationships feel foreign or even uncomfortable.
Lost sense of self: When your identity is built on being needed, you may unconsciously sabotage your own healing or success because who would you be if you weren't helping everyone else?
A 2021 study in theJournal of Social Psychologyfound that chronic over-givers had 62% higher rates of depression and anxiety compared to those with balanced giving-receiving patterns.
The Radical Act of Putting Yourself First
Here's the truth that might make you uncomfortable:You are the most important person in your life.Not because you're better than others, but because you're the only person you're guaranteed to spend your entire life with. You're the only person whose well-being you're ultimately responsible for.
Putting yourself first doesn't mean becoming selfish or uncaring. It means recognizing that genuine service flows from overflow, not depletion. When you're resourced, regulated, and full, you can give from a place of genuine generosity rather than desperate people-pleasing.
Confronting the Fear
The idea of prioritizing yourself might trigger intense resistance. You might fear:
Becoming selfish: "If I put myself first, I'll become one ofthosepeople who doesn't care about anyone else."
Being abandoned: "If I stop over-giving, people will leave me."
Losing your identity: "If I'm not the helper, who am I?"
Feeling the emptiness: When you stop constantly doing, you might have to feel what you've been running from.
These fears are real and valid. And they're exactly why this work matters so much. Your worth isn't contingent on your usefulness. The people who truly love you want you rested, resourced, and whole—not depleted and resentful.
The INVEST Framework: Reclaiming Self-Care as Self-Love
I've developed a framework that helps shift from performative self-care to genuine self-love:
I - Investigate Your Needs
Most chronic helpers have lost touch with what they actually need. We're so attuned to others that we've become strangers to ourselves.
Practice - The Daily Check-In: Set a gentle alarm three times daily. When it chimes, pause and ask:
What does my body need right now? (Rest? Movement? Food? Water?)
What's one emotion I'm feeling? (Not what youshouldfeel—what youdofeel)
If I could do one thing just for me right now, what would it be?
Don't judge the answers. Don't fix anything. Just practice hearing yourself. Research shows that simply identifying your needs activates self-compassion neural pathways and reduces stress by 28%.
N - Normalize Rest as Productive
We live in a culture that equates busyness with worthiness. Rest feels lazy. Pleasure feels frivolous. Doing nothing feels like failure.
But your body doesn't recognize the difference between physical and emotional labor. Constant giving depletes you just as surely as running a marathon. You need recovery time.
Reframe: Rest isn't the absence of productivity—it's the foundation of sustainable productivity. Athletes understand this: recovery is when muscles actually grow stronger. Your emotional and mental capacity works the same way.
Practice - Permission Statements: Write these where you'll see them:
"Rest is not earned—it's required"
"My worth is not measured by my output"
"Doing nothing is doing something essential"
V - Validate Your Worth Unconditionally
The helper pattern often stems from believing your worth depends on what you provide. Real self-love means decoupling your value from your usefulness.
Practice - Mirror Work(adapted from Louise Hay): Look at yourself in the mirror. Place your hand on your heart. Say: "I am worthy of love and care, not because of what I do, but because I exist. My needs matter. I deserve to be my own priority."
This might feel awkward, silly, or even painful at first. That discomfort reveals how unfamiliar self-worth feels. Stay with it. Research on self-affirmation shows that consistent practice strengthens neural pathways associated with self-compassion and reduces cortisol levels.
E - Establish Boundaries Without Apology
Boundaries are where self-care gets real—and scary. Saying no. Disappointing others. Choosing yourself when someone else wants something from you.
The Boundary Formula: "I'm not available for [thing], but I appreciate you thinking of me."
Notice: No justification. No elaborate excuse. No apology for having limits. Just a clear, kind boundary.
Common Boundary Challenges:
The guilt: "I should help. They need me." → Reminder: Your depletion doesn't serve anyone.
The fear: "They'll be angry/hurt/disappointed." → Reminder: You're not responsible for others' emotional reactions to your healthy boundaries.
The test: Some people will push back. This is actually helpful—it reveals who respects your limits and who expects your self-abandonment.
Dr. Brené Brown's research found that people with strong boundaries actually have more satisfying relationships because they can give from genuine generosity rather than resentful obligation.
S - Seek Support for the Deep Work
Some wounds are too deep to heal alone. The patterns you're carrying—the beliefs about your worth, the trauma in your body, the nervous system dysregulation—often require skilled support to unravel.
This is where the investment piece comes in. Therapy, trauma release work, coaching—these aren't indulgences. They're essential maintenance for your most important relationship: the one with yourself.
Subtle Body Trauma Releasehelps your nervous system release the patterns that keep you trapped in over-giving and self-abandonment. By working with the body's stored protective mechanisms, we help you access a deeper sense of safety and worthiness that no amount of bubble baths can touch. [Explore this transformative work through Health Harmony Revival]
T - Trust the Process
Shifting from chronic self-neglect to genuine self-care doesn't happen overnight. You're rewiring decades of conditioning. You're healing wounds that may have been forming since childhood.
There will be days you slip back into old patterns. Days you feel guilty for resting. Days you say yes when you meant no. This is normal. This is part of the process.
Practice - Self-Compassion Breaks(from Dr. Kristin Neff): When you notice self-judgment arising:
Acknowledge: "This is a moment of suffering" or "This is really hard right now"
Normalize: "Struggle is part of the human experience. I'm not alone in this"
Offer kindness: Place your hand on your heart and say, "May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need"
Research shows that self-compassion is more effective than self-esteem for psychological well-being, reducing anxiety by 43% and increasing resilience by 37%.
Daily Practices That Actually Transform
These aren't add-ons to your already full life—they're the foundation that makes everything else sustainable.
Morning: Start from Fullness 🌅
Before doing anything for anyone else(including checking your phone), spend 5 minutes connecting with yourself:
Three deep breaths
Hand on heart, ask: "What do I need today?"
Set an intention: "Today, I choose to honor my needs alongside others'"
This creates a pattern of checking in with yourself first rather than defaulting to everyone else's agenda.
Throughout the Day: Micro-Moments of Self-Care ☕
Self-care doesn't require hours. It requires presence. Try:
Sensory moments: Really taste your coffee. Feel the sun on your skin. Notice the texture of fabric against your body.
Movement breaks: Stretch, shake, dance for 2 minutes. Physical movement helps discharge the stress that accumulates from chronic giving.
Permission pauses: Before saying yes to something, pause. Ask: "Do I actually want to do this, or am I afraid of saying no?"
Evening: Acknowledge and Release 🌙
Evening practice:
Name three things you didfor yourselftoday (even tiny things count)
Notice any guilt that arises around self-care—and thank it for trying to protect you, then let it know you're safe to rest
Ask your body: "What do you need to feel ready for sleep?" Then honor that need.
When Self-Care Means Saying the Hard Things
Sometimes the most profound self-care isn't adding something—it's releasing something that's been draining you.
Real self-care might mean:
Leaving the relationship that requires you to betray yourself to keep peace
Quitting the job that's destroying your health, even without another one lined up
Cutting contact with the family member who makes you feel small
Letting the friendship fade when it's become one-sided
Choosing therapy over a vacation because the inner work matters more
These decisions feel terrifying because they often mean disappointing others, facing the unknown, or sitting with uncomfortable emotions. But depletion and resentment aren't sustainable alternatives.
Questions to Guide Your Journey
Sit with these without rushing to answer. Let them work on you:
When did I first learn that my needs didn't matter as much as others'?
What would it mean to truly believe I'm worthy of my own care and attention?
What am I afraid will happen if I stop over-giving?
Who in my life actually supports me taking care of myself?
What would I do with my life if I wasn't so exhausted from giving it all away?
What does my body need that I've been ignoring?
If I loved myself the way I love the people I care about, how would I treat myself differently?
FAQ: Self-Care and Self-Love
Q: How do I stop feeling guilty when I take care of myself?
A: Guilt is often a sign that you're breaking an old rule about your worth being tied to sacrifice. The guilt will likely persist for a while—not because you're doing something wrong, but because you're doing something different. Keep practicing anyway. Over time, as you see that taking care of yourself actually makes you more present and generous with others, the guilt will ease.
Q: What if I don't even know what I need anymore?
A: This is incredibly common for chronic helpers. Start with your body—it holds wisdom your mind might have forgotten. Notice: When do you feel most at ease? Most energized? What activities make time disappear? What leaves you feeling drained? Your body knows what you need; you just need to practice listening.
Q: Isn't putting yourself first selfish?
A: There's a crucial difference between healthy self-care and toxic selfishness. Selfishness disregards others' needs entirely. Self-care honors your own needsalongside(not instead of) others'. Think of airplane oxygen masks: you put yours on first not because you matter more, but because you can't help anyone if you're depleted. True service flows from overflow, not emptiness.
Q: How do I balance self-care with real responsibilities?
A: Real self-care doesn't mean abandoning responsibilities—it means recognizing that your well-being is also a real responsibility. It might mean negotiating more support, setting better boundaries, or acknowledging that you can't do everything perfectly. Sometimes good-enough parenting, good-enough work, good-enough housekeeping, while well-cared-foryouis the most responsible choice.
Q: What if self-care feels selfish because I grew up in a culture/family where sacrifice was expected?
A: Cultural and familial patterns run deep, and honoring yourself while respecting your heritage can feel like an impossible balance. Remember: taking care of yourself doesn't mean rejecting your culture or family values. It means adapting them to serve your well-being. Many cultures that emphasize collective care originally understood that everyone needs to be well for the collective to thrive—including you.
You Deserve to Be Full
I need you to really hear this: Your needs are not an inconvenience. Your exhaustion is not a personal failing. Your desire for rest, pleasure, ease—these aren't signs of weakness or selfishness. They're signs that you're human.
You've spent so long making yourself smaller, quieter, less demanding. Putting everyone else first. Believing that your worth depends on how much you give, how helpful you are, how little you need.
But here's the truth: You are worthy of care—your own care—not because of what you do or provide, but simply because you exist. You deserve to be a priority in your own life. You deserve to feel full instead of constantly drained.
And here's what happens when you actually prioritize yourself: You don't become selfish. You become whole. You don't care less about others—you serve them from overflow rather than depletion. Your giving becomes generous rather than resentful. Your presence becomes genuine rather than performed.
The journey from chronic self-abandonment to genuine self-love is one of the most challenging and most worthwhile paths you can walk. It requires unlearning deep conditioning. It requires disappointing people who expect your self-sacrifice. It requires sitting with guilt and fear and the discomfort of being unfamiliar with your own needs.
But on the other side of that discomfort is a life where you're not just surviving—you're actually living. Where rest doesn't feel stolen. Where joy doesn't feel guilty. Where your own needs matter as much as everyone else's.
You deserve that life. And it starts with the radical, revolutionary act of putting yourself first.
Ready to Transform Self-Care from Concept to Reality?
If you've been running on empty, giving until there's nothing left, I understand that exhaustion. MyFirst Steps to Freedom Sessionis designed to help you identify the patterns of self-abandonment you're carrying and begin the deeper work of releasing them. Together, we'll help your nervous system learn that it's safe to receive care—especially from yourself.
✨ Use code GET50NOW for 50% off your session (first 3 bookings this week). 👉 Click here to book your session
💛 A gentle reminder: you don’t have to spend years carrying what feels too heavy. There comes a moment when you choose "enough". That’s where real change begins, and I’m here to walk with you through it, safely. -Alida
